coming full circle

i find myself sitting here at the laramar reception desk in december listening to woodface, in specific "fall at your feet." i have this sharp memory of being here three years ago, listening to this song, and deciding that it had some message to tell me.

first of all, three years ago, it was inconceivable to me that i'd go three MONTHS without speaking to my friends. my friends who i saw every day. that i had lived with and talked to and shared with (thoughts, feelings, every little thing that came to my head, my pot, their pot, our cats, clothes, food, blankets, our insatiable and obsessive love of the weather channel). and i had done it. begrudgingly and in a whirlwind of pain.

and this woodface. i was the musical one. the one who loved music, that is. and i had introduced my friend...ann marie, sman, to the bulk of the music in our apartment it had seemed, to me. AMP, her moniker. sman, was mine. smussy ann marie. these things were organic and ever-changing, like the childhood home i had grown up in and learned such naming techniques, but sman had stuck.

but, she had given me this strange fondness for dave matthews (which had gone on to slightly embarrass me and which i would not admit to in nearly all circumstances outside of our home) and a gift i would never be able to thank her for. crowded house. woodface. neil and tim finn. wow. (that and a truly comprehensive love and understanding of the simpsons, but we're talking music here.)

and i sat at my temp job at laramar, listening to "fall at your feet," a song that never failed to get me anyway, and i heard redemption and forgiveness and help and i heard:

"The finger of blame has turned upon itself
And I’m more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help
Who knows where that might lead"

i don't know what i was thinking. i was trying to take responsibility long before i knew how.

but now, sitting in the same seat, three years later, having done a lot of work to get where i am today, i have a chance of change. and i have an inkling of how to take responsibility. i have an amend letter to send to ann marie. this process is scary. it's humbling. my sponsor says, "it should be a little painful."

hmm.

later, on the album, there's a song: "four seasons in one day." it seems like that all the time.

list #8

i guess looking back on this particular list...this is when all the shit was hitting the fan...man, i feel some stories coming on. wow. i still need to talk more about the mental breakdown, and really i'll need to break all this down a lot more. cause this was viewed through a drinking and drugging lens. this was viewed through a losing my shit lens. this was viewed through a just came through a psychotic break lens. this was viewed through just came through a psychotic break and they're telling me i can't drink and drug anymore lens. and this is also viewed through i've been sober and in recovery and working the steps for awhile lens.

but at first...back in august of '01, i just got diagnosed bipolar and i couldn't drink or drug anymore, and my best friend hated me and my roommate hated me and they hated me together and i had done some shit, but i also knew i was sick. and they were talking about me behind my back and that was HORRID. totally one of the worst things that you could do to me. still not one of my top 5 activities, cause i'm still not super blow it out your ass i don't care at ALL what you think about me, but... i'm getting better at the new axiom i've learned: "what other people think about you is none of your business."

however, to top it off the agony of my two best friends hating about me AND talking about me, my roommate ended up with my ex-boyfriend, who i was desperately trying to get over, but struggling with the process. making all of that exponentially worse was, in fact, the fact that it all happened in secret. it was never a "i walked in on my roommate and my ex." or "i asked her and she told me." or "they confronted me and told me to fuck off." never. it was all hunch and intuition. it was all one day she just stopped living there. literally.

depression. betrayal. confusion. heartache. words don't really express it. and i don't really have a clue what happened for them. there was no communication. it wasn't even beastie boys illin' style. it was silence. partly due to medication, but largely due to a hole in my heart, i lost any and all sloth and stoner weight i had gained over 7 years worth of 2 am burritos and weekend cookie binges. i was devastated.

one of the things that kept me hanging on, that righted my course once a week, was tuesday nights at pops highwood. it was different and awkward, tinged with sadness and bittersweet memories, of course. i had always gone with ann marie. i had always been able to get as drunk as i had wanted. now, i moderated at two drinks and no pot. somehow, now all the songs were all about me, but it was okay. the songs and the music and the sweet harmonies always had a way of sucking me and and letting me get lost, even if for 3 minutes. even if just to surround the pain and make it sweeter.

8-7-01
#1
something happens when we talk
deep dark core
another story
golden blunders
parden our dust
searcher
pollyanna
blue

#2
onion girl
shouldn't i be?
it comes and goes
martha
blue moon of kentucky
shuffle
radio slave
one man guy (rufus wainwright)
kooks
tomorrow will be like today

#3
shine
domino
daydream believer
i only wanna be with you
substitute
who's who
blowin' up
everybody knows this is nowhere
what's your name
tin soldiers
super taster
yes impossible
divisadero
radio radio

list #7

8-21-01

#1
let's get started
sheer laziness
feeling overjoyed
vibration man
booksong
divisadero
shine
who's who
i know what's in store
martha
pardon our dust
in the streets

#2 please please me
heartbeat
heart of gold
something happens when we talk
onion girl
paid in kind
pollyanna
mulberry pair
blowing up
it comes and goes
free
supertaster
momentito
yes impossible

#3
blue
tomorrow will be like today
magic changes
radio slave
tell me goodbye
further orn
hummingbird (v. morrison)
?
secret life "ribbons all tied up in a bow"
novocaine

list #6

found this in a notebook:

4-22-02

re: writing a gratitude list, i guess:

"ok, james...sometimes, it's just got to be THAT basic"

1. friends
2. AA
3. god
4. job
5. love
6. books
7. pen
8. mind
9. parents
10. flan

list of friends i guess i had at the time:
kim kelly
julia
paige
daaimah
sarah a.
georg
meagan
sheila
pat
alexis
teresa
abby
katie
janet
sarah
janice
rebecca



***interesting stuff how much our life changes...i guess i had just about 3 months sober. wow.

list #5

8-28-01

#1
let's get started
deep dark core
2cnbc
tomorrow will be like today
?
another story
radio slave
onion girl
something about when we talk
kooks
it comes and goes
heartbeat
pardon our dust

dag juhlin sings....

#2
please please me
country road
blowin' up
dolly varden
into the mystic
?
new york serenade -- b. springsteen
further on
blackbird
runaway
divisadero
lifted up
hotel california
goodbye (night ranger)
all night long
wild thing

list #4

9-18-01

#1
feeling overjoyed
golden blunders
booksong
comes a time
pardon our dust
loser
tomorrow wendy (concrete blonde)
she louisa
i only wanna be with you
blowin' up
divisadero
paid in kind

#2
let's get started
deep dark core
you send me
radio slave
what you're doing (beatles)
in the street
onion girl
gonna take a lot of love (written by n. young)
blackbird
blue
comes and goes
i lost it
tin soldiers

#3
pollyanna
"stuck"?? alvy
the rose
vibration man
vertigogo
yes impossible
eleanor rigby
johnny b. goode
rocky raccoon
edelweiss

list #3

undated 1-23-01?

missed set 1

#2
please please me
i lost it
further on down the road (didn't know who this was at the time)
thirteen
jackie wilson said
mulberry pair
money mark
into i think we're alone now
salome
radio radio
i don't want to wait in lay for your love
kids are alright

#3
i'm easy like sunday morning
i touch myself
love is forever
there comes a time
black water
interlude -- destiny's child
blue moon of kentuchy
waiting is the hardest part
eagles
yes impossible

list #2

2-27-00

#1
let's get started
there comes a time
teen ache
pardon our dust
she said she said
mulberry pair
tin soldiers
if it don't work out
searchers
sick of myself
radio slave
supertaster
booksong
salome

commentary:
steve tells liam to take it slower. in the middle of the song, it appears that steve says, 'sorry, i didn't know what i was talking about.' somewhat sarcastic, as if liam hasn't slowed it down. are they mad? strain?

liam fixes sound . only 4 channels. steve sings for liam nicely. regular in his own mike. not so serious, talking, singing, goofing around on liam's mike...stops. liam says: keep going on!!!

zack on let's get started. we're setting our clocks at the same time...how easy to identify lines in moments of distress...words that speak out to you in a blinding fury of wellness, that grabs your being, your existence, your soul. they wash over you like grace falling from a faucet and wash away the sins of a lifetime...pop music is my god. i am in church.

"this sound system is bumming me out." LD
"this is how it used to be."SF
"we sucked."LD
"i know." SF


#2
danny's song (i pestered them)
heart of gold
tomorow will be like today money mark
another story
blue moon o' kentucky (slow)
further on down the road taj mahal
only you yaz
runaway
waiting is the hardest part
early in teh morning (louie jordan)
odyssey & ecstacy into blowin' up
something happens when we talk
i wanna comfort you v. morrison

#3
free
novocaine (liam sings the horn)
gambler
take it to the limit
radio radio
martha
pollyanna
downtown
yes impossible

list #1

as part of writing this book about frisbie, i'm also going to keep track of all the endless lists i took while seeing them at pops highwood (i will tell about pops highwood at some point....it's not that noteworthy, yet it tells a lot about the way things were all at the same time).

as i look back at some of these lists and the handwriting that accompanies them, i see several things....how my ocd was flourishing even then...the meticulous need to chronicle, take notes, document. every song, everything. it was just manifested in a flurry of frisbie. music has always been my saviour, and i was just pouring it out in a frantic scribbling of note taking.

sometimes, the handwriting is messed with the speed and need to get it all down on paper (i.e. mania). sometimes, it is slurred with drink. the lists reflect the new songs that frisbie were writing and into then (both of the classic rock variety, the obscurities, and the new indie stuff they were into). they shaped my listening habits and still influence the stuff i dig today.

i initially just started this post so that i could rip these pages out of my notebook and be rid of the scritches and scratches, but maybe i'll want to scan them and put them into my book, right? visual clues. (lol. the grandeur still persists, people...)

for now, these are just lists. maybe they'll have commentary. sometimes, they'll just be to rip them out of a notebook and to put them in a folder for compliation and safekeeping. here goes:

4-3-01
#1
comes a time
booksong (steve to liam: "i've never felt whiter.")
be a part dolly varden
deep dark core
another story
i lost it
tomorrow you're gonna die concrete blonde
kids are alright
vibration man
blue
please please me

---at some time during the night -- kelly to me re: liam "he really is l. bucking ham, isn't he? " me "yeah."

#2
shuffle
further on
everybody knows this is nowhere
pollyanna (with new ending) (and liam on piano)
pardon our dust
you get what you deserve
radio slave
radio radio
what's your name
ziggy stardust
crazy little thing called love
the thing you love is killing you dolly varden
shine (beautiful finger pick intro)
run for your life
2cnbc
jackie wilson said

#3
let's get started
it comes and goes
if it don't work out
our house
waiting is the hardest part
disaster
love isn't always on time
dear prudence
blowin up and tellin lies
pick a flower
yes impossible

my mental breakdown

these posts are just going to keep bouncing one off another, i think. i think i'll get a book out of it, too.

i still haven't a clue what my breakdown looked like. much like today, i can mentally blackout things, people, places, incidents, feelings i don't want to/can't stand to remember.

not to mention one doesn't often fully know they are manic when they are. they don't know they are psychotic and experiencing a break from reality when they are. they don't know what they look like, sound like, feel like, act like when they are riding a very dangerous wave that could crash and crush them and maybe a whole town at any time.

this is what manic-depression looks like sometimes. i *think* this is what it looked like for me from april-june of 2001. i vaguely remember my friend, bob (from the tom robbins list**), coming into town. he had a hard crush for my roommate, ann marie. i was trying to get things under control. i couldn't finish the semester of school at roosevelt university i had started, even though i enjoyed my classes and my teachers (cosmology and medical sociology). i couldn't think anymore. i couldn't really write. i couldn't put two sentences together.

i smoked weed every day and drank at least 3-4 out of 7 (sometimes more, i suspect). however, i don't believe that was my overriding problem at that particular point. it didn't help. but what i DO believe was happening was that my brain's chemistry was sort of shorting out. i couldn't hold it in anymore.

i had probably been untreated bipolar most of my life. talking way too fast, 'hyper,' very smart, very precocious. i don't know. i didn't know. i knew that when i thought i was talking slow, i STILL was talking way too fast for most people to understand me from 50 feet.

i knew my parents told me i could read at 2 1/2 years old. i don't know. i know i was put in the 'gifted and talented' programs in grade school.

i knew i never fit in.

and one day, i knew it was all over. i couldn't make it happen anymore. i wasn't smart. i couldn't think anymore. it felt like the back of my head was buzzing. with static.

i went to my boss, greg kasprzyk, and i asked him if i should go see a psychiatrist. i wonder how long i had probably been wild-eyed. he looked at me and immediately told me to go. right then.

and i did. and nothing much happened. i wasn't killing myself (suicide), or anyone else (homicide), so they told me to come to this intensive outpatient program (IOP). and i did. and they rapidly diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. after i had filled out their little questionnaire re: drinking and drugs (i lied about how much i drank, i didn't want to be called an alcoholic -- but i told the truth about everything else, cause i was a *recreational* drug user), they told me i ALSO had "substance abuse issues."

no way. no no no no way.

after a little while, i could get the scientific principles that i was "self-medicating" my "mania." or hypomania, as i was to learn later it truly was.

but alcoholic?? no. i didn't "have a beer and in the next four hours be on the west side looking for crack."

and during my coke week**, i got scared and pulled the plug on that shit myself, dog!

so, i stayed in IOP, and worked weird part-time.

little by little, however, i was "decompensating." in layman's terms: i was losing my shit. i was becoming increasingly paranoid. freaked out. unable to sleep. worried. hyper. jittery.

i was convinced that my friends were conspiring against me. that they were going to ditch me. that no one cared about me. that everyone was going to fuck me over. (some of this ended up having some merit, but as i was to find out MUCH later, i definitely had 'a part.')

and then the one moment i see as absolutely the 'tipping point' in all of this.
the thing that seems utterly against everything i believe in, and the thing that turned my relationship with my roommate of 4 years sour. the thing from which it seems i could never turn back.

i was convinced that my best friend, jen, and my roommate, ann marie, were in some sort of talks about me. bad talks. about me. about how shitty i was. and because at some point long in the past, ann marie and i had exchanged passwords to our hotmail accounts (remember when people only had really one email account, and it was pretty much hotmail or maybe excite?? whatever happened to them?) for some travel need or something. and i took it upon myself, heart racing, evil lurking, judgment totally obscured yet crystal clear to read her email. to see if there was an email from jen. and there was. and i only got 1/3 of a way through to see that yes, they were talking about me. and yes, it was not flattering. and yes, i had done a horrible thing. was it more horrible than what they were doing?

in a manic, paranoid haze, i think i thought they were equal. i had no concept of what was true and what was false.

and after some hours, i confronted ann marie...with her sin and with my betrayal.

there was screaming and yelling and disbelief. on both parts, i think.

and she was off, to WI to be with her friend, karie. i ended up going to my ex-boyfriend's, wyatt. i had been abstaining from drink and pot while in IOP. but that weekend (it was memorial day weekend), i smoked all weekend and never seemed to get high...it just put me to sleep, which i did copiously.

the end of the weekend came, and ann marie was not home, and wyatt had to go to work, and i was left with myself. again. and i was desperate and sad and tired. and i didn't really think that i'd kill myself, and i didn't really even think i COULD kill myself with the rest of my klonopin prescription, but i called up the leader of the IOP and i don't know where i started, but i finished by telling him that i'd be in. i probably walked there.

and i signed myself in on tuesday may 29, 2001. the day after memorial day.

****these are breakoff stories.

more about the psych ward. this is just part one.

the audities list -- part deux

see...this is how this whole novel is going to work. i almost forgot. the audities list gave me someone else. i go and see this band, frisbie, and one of the members suggests the audities list. i subscribe to audities, and i read the posts of this woman, kelly. i email her because she seems cool and she's from chicago, and she rocks. and thus, i get a real life friend from an on web list/environ, and we are friends independent of the audities list in short time.

she gets to see me go through troubles with roommates. she sees me go through troubles with boys. she sees me have a complete, utter mental breakdown. and she's the first person who is there, in her blue volvo, picking my ass up june 5th, 2001 from the lakeshore hospital to take me to pops highwood to go see frisbie. funny how life works like that. i have much more to say about kelly cronin. but for now, i will say that life sometimes seems to be real circular.

what comes around goes around. and what goes around sometimes stays.

the audities list

i can see how this little book is going to work. each story is going to beget another and another. cool.

anyway. the audities list. liam told me about this email/list serv thing that i might be into. lol. now that i think about all of it, it seems sort of funny. i'm still 'subscribed,' but i currently have 800 + emails in that account that i haven't read and just don't really care to.

it is/was a list.... well, let's let them describe themselves.

"The Audities mailing list is for the discussion of "insanely greatpop". Inspired by the presently dormant music journal Audities, the list is run independently of it or any other magazine, record label,reseller, musical artist/group or other industry entities. Audities is an open list, and anything related to pop, power pop, melodic alternative, country inspired pop or pop-punk is welcome, athoughposters are expected to keep their writings about the music. List operation began September, 1996 and current membership numbers ~600."

so it's a bunch of music geeks sittin' around talking music. arcane references are welcomed, encouraged, often topped. beatles inspired pop is worshipped. beach boys, byrds, badfinger, big star. the big old b's. it's all good there, and one can even find some baseball lovers as well.

there are some curmudgeons and some characters, and all in all it's an interesting sociological study if nothing else. sometimes, it's irritating, mean, backbiting, and rude.

i remember liam saying/intimating that i'd like it. or it'd be up my alley. or maybe he knew that with my effervescent enthusiasm (unbridled mania), i'd be talking up frisbie like a storm. who knows.

however, there was definitely NO malice of forethought (is that the phrase) intended by either liam or me or shawn campbell or anyone else talking the praises of frisbie back in 2000. it merely was what everyone ELSE on the list did...talk about and hype and love on their favorite bands... names i can still remember, even though i may have never heard a note*:

myracle brah, the grays, cotton mather, chris von sneidern, etyan mirsky, the andersons, sparklejets uk, bigger lovers, kyle vincent, *******.

well. from my perspective, it seemed that the L.A. contingent just couldn't hack the frislove. perhaps we had been a bit ebullient. but, it seemed to me that it was just good old fashioned "man, this band is rocking my world." and what we got back in return was pure vitriol. the whole back and forths themselves got to be kind of famous. it was like the "frisbie incident."

it's been said that no press is bad press....so, i'm wondering if a couple of people didn't buy "the subversive sounds of love" just to hate on it or to listen to it and dis it.... regardless, people had heard of frisbie. what i DIDN'T want was some sort of frisbie backlash caused at the hands of one excitable girl.

hell, i was no warren zevon, right? i wasn't that important. but, it was to ever live on in the minds and hearts of audities....


*this is not to say i oppose or endorse any of these bands. its' just that i've only actually heard the MUSIC of one or two of them.

the biography

i don't remember writing this. i mean, for what thing. was it the 'audities' list? (that begets a story) or was it just for my own pleasure?

anyway, one day i find it up here and am pleasantly surprised. the band isn't that band. i'm not that person. but it was written by me. then.

"Fear not. A new band hailing from the fine city of Chicago is here to tell you that rock and pop will never die. Frisbie. As light and airy as the toy whose name they phonetically share, yet as far from child's play as you can get. Mixing angelic vocals and driving, rhythmic guitars, Frisbie has taken the realm of pop rock from the mundane to the sublime.

The band is made up of 5 individuals: Steve on rhythm guitar and lead vocals, Liam on lead guitar and vocals, Zack on drums and vocals, Eddie on bass, and Ross coming in with the organ / keyboard/ electric piano and mini brass section that gives Frisbie part of their distinct sound. Let's run down the roster, shall we?

Steve is the McCartney figure when visually scoping out the band. With a pure and soaring voice, he takes the songs to new heights and makes you wish their album was out.

Liam, although not surly like his counterpart in Oasis, brings the Lennon to Steve's McCartney. With a less 'traditional' voice, he adds a dash of angst to the recipe of Frisbie.

Zack, as drummers are often wont to do, brings a variety of fun facial expressions to the mix while drumming his ever livin’ heart out. He also brings a fullness of sound to the bands wonderful harmonies.
Eddie is the bassist that provides the backbone to the band's addicting sound. The 'quiet' one as this writer sees it, you could make him be George Harrison to keep with the Beatles thread...

Ross, on many piano looking items and brass comes across as a fresh faced youngster fresh out of marching band. Looks are deceiving, though, as he brings a welcome and unique flair to this pop delight -- a surreal and psychedelic sound that is playful at times, and haunting at others.
Their album, "The Subversive Sounds of Love" is due out in July, and it features songs that vary in tempo and feel and sound and groove. It brings you from the melancholy ditty "Booksong" all the way to the top of the skyscrapers of "Vertigogo" in a matter of minutes. I could go track by track and rave, but I think I'll leave this the way it is. If you are at ALL a pop fan...if you at ALL love melody and harmony and love and happiness and good times, then this band is for you. RUN and buy the album when it comes out. I'm SURE I'll keep you up to date.

CAN'T GET ENOUGH. IT'S LIKE A DRUG."

-- Jocelyn Geboy

day late and a dollar short

the story of my life sometimes. first, i was going to catalogue my dreams... but i never wrote them down. or my meds fluctuated and i didn't have any. or i had them constantly from 5:30 am -- 7:00 am. or 10:00 am if it was the weekend. or 2 pm if it was a particularly 'wild' weekend.

then, i was going to participate in the national novel writing month (note: november), where people write an entire novel in a month. and i was going to use this blog to do so.

i have not posted until this day, one day over the 1/2 way mark through DECEMBER.

however, i DO have my idea for a book. i've had the idea for awhile, but it's synthesizing.

it's the frisbie book. and the jocelyn autobiography. both rolled up into one. the story of frisbie as i know it. as i lived it, to some extent. and my story as i know it. as i lived it, to some extent.

it'll come out of order here on the blog. it'll come in bits and pieces. but it'll come.

tentative working title (also a possible title for possible movie -- fictional): "i know what's in store."