list #8
i guess looking back on this particular list...this is when all the shit was hitting the fan...man, i feel some stories coming on. wow. i still need to talk more about the mental breakdown, and really i'll need to break all this down a lot more. cause this was viewed through a drinking and drugging lens. this was viewed through a losing my shit lens. this was viewed through a just came through a psychotic break lens. this was viewed through just came through a psychotic break and they're telling me i can't drink and drug anymore lens. and this is also viewed through i've been sober and in recovery and working the steps for awhile lens.
but at first...back in august of '01, i just got diagnosed bipolar and i couldn't drink or drug anymore, and my best friend hated me and my roommate hated me and they hated me together and i had done some shit, but i also knew i was sick. and they were talking about me behind my back and that was HORRID. totally one of the worst things that you could do to me. still not one of my top 5 activities, cause i'm still not super blow it out your ass i don't care at ALL what you think about me, but... i'm getting better at the new axiom i've learned: "what other people think about you is none of your business."
however, to top it off the agony of my two best friends hating about me AND talking about me, my roommate ended up with my ex-boyfriend, who i was desperately trying to get over, but struggling with the process. making all of that exponentially worse was, in fact, the fact that it all happened in secret. it was never a "i walked in on my roommate and my ex." or "i asked her and she told me." or "they confronted me and told me to fuck off." never. it was all hunch and intuition. it was all one day she just stopped living there. literally.
depression. betrayal. confusion. heartache. words don't really express it. and i don't really have a clue what happened for them. there was no communication. it wasn't even beastie boys illin' style. it was silence. partly due to medication, but largely due to a hole in my heart, i lost any and all sloth and stoner weight i had gained over 7 years worth of 2 am burritos and weekend cookie binges. i was devastated.
one of the things that kept me hanging on, that righted my course once a week, was tuesday nights at pops highwood. it was different and awkward, tinged with sadness and bittersweet memories, of course. i had always gone with ann marie. i had always been able to get as drunk as i had wanted. now, i moderated at two drinks and no pot. somehow, now all the songs were all about me, but it was okay. the songs and the music and the sweet harmonies always had a way of sucking me and and letting me get lost, even if for 3 minutes. even if just to surround the pain and make it sweeter.
8-7-01
#1
something happens when we talk
deep dark core
another story
golden blunders
parden our dust
searcher
pollyanna
blue
#2
onion girl
shouldn't i be?
it comes and goes
martha
blue moon of kentucky
shuffle
radio slave
one man guy (rufus wainwright)
kooks
tomorrow will be like today
#3
shine
domino
daydream believer
i only wanna be with you
substitute
who's who
blowin' up
everybody knows this is nowhere
what's your name
tin soldiers
super taster
yes impossible
divisadero
radio radio
but at first...back in august of '01, i just got diagnosed bipolar and i couldn't drink or drug anymore, and my best friend hated me and my roommate hated me and they hated me together and i had done some shit, but i also knew i was sick. and they were talking about me behind my back and that was HORRID. totally one of the worst things that you could do to me. still not one of my top 5 activities, cause i'm still not super blow it out your ass i don't care at ALL what you think about me, but... i'm getting better at the new axiom i've learned: "what other people think about you is none of your business."
however, to top it off the agony of my two best friends hating about me AND talking about me, my roommate ended up with my ex-boyfriend, who i was desperately trying to get over, but struggling with the process. making all of that exponentially worse was, in fact, the fact that it all happened in secret. it was never a "i walked in on my roommate and my ex." or "i asked her and she told me." or "they confronted me and told me to fuck off." never. it was all hunch and intuition. it was all one day she just stopped living there. literally.
depression. betrayal. confusion. heartache. words don't really express it. and i don't really have a clue what happened for them. there was no communication. it wasn't even beastie boys illin' style. it was silence. partly due to medication, but largely due to a hole in my heart, i lost any and all sloth and stoner weight i had gained over 7 years worth of 2 am burritos and weekend cookie binges. i was devastated.
one of the things that kept me hanging on, that righted my course once a week, was tuesday nights at pops highwood. it was different and awkward, tinged with sadness and bittersweet memories, of course. i had always gone with ann marie. i had always been able to get as drunk as i had wanted. now, i moderated at two drinks and no pot. somehow, now all the songs were all about me, but it was okay. the songs and the music and the sweet harmonies always had a way of sucking me and and letting me get lost, even if for 3 minutes. even if just to surround the pain and make it sweeter.
8-7-01
#1
something happens when we talk
deep dark core
another story
golden blunders
parden our dust
searcher
pollyanna
blue
#2
onion girl
shouldn't i be?
it comes and goes
martha
blue moon of kentucky
shuffle
radio slave
one man guy (rufus wainwright)
kooks
tomorrow will be like today
#3
shine
domino
daydream believer
i only wanna be with you
substitute
who's who
blowin' up
everybody knows this is nowhere
what's your name
tin soldiers
super taster
yes impossible
divisadero
radio radio
