trauma part one
i don't even know what the fuck to write about. how to start this post out. i'm doing it here first, in the secret land. because really, i just think people are going to think this is stupid.
so, i'm back in therapy with a woman who has knowledge and work with people who have trauma in their lives. post traumatic stress disorder, that sort of thing. she also is a recovering alcoholic, and has knowledge of the steps. cool.
in the last go around of therapy with my other 'real' therapist -- someone who i really did work with, who i trusted and was honest with, who i really learned stuff about myself and who i took stuff from that impacted my life positively and that i could use to change my behavior -- i started to get an inkling that my family of origin (those three other people related to me by blood) work was going to be important.
that the way i was raised and the conditions in which i grew up, were in fact, not all freudian and lame, but in fact, really relevant to the way in which i currently dealt with others, in particular that albatross that was always following me -- romantic and/or intimate relationships. i hated the idea that my relationship with my father had anything to do with this. that seemed so passe, so cliche, so horribly gross, to be honest. but maybe there was something at least about my childhood that was key to unlocking some of all of this.
maybe it wasn't as 'normal' of a childhood as i had always made it out to be. the facts in my defense as i saw them:
i had two parents, who were still married. we never moved. i got good grades. we went to church/sunday school until i was out of high school. i was baptized and confirmed. we had food. nothing too terrible was expected of us (chores or anything like that). we weren't beat. my dad was drunk sometimes, but he wasn't a mean drunk. you know.
it started to be pointed out that for a young child, however, the following things were NOT normal, and in fact, might have been sort of scary.
having a dad whose health was precarious, to the point of being near death on several occasions.
having a dad who was, in fact, drunk a LOT, and not really being sure what that would mean most of the time.
having a dad who was sometimes prone to violent outbursts... which were not *directly* focused at anyone in the house, were not exactly settling to a child, or anyone remotely near (throwing things, swearing, yelling).
having a mom who would sometimes ignore us while she sat and talked on the phone.
feeling like we couldn't really talk about things.
being told in subtle ways that dad's illness was the top priority -- not our needs, wants, or feelings.
in fact, the first therapist went so far as to say that my childhood was not particularly 'safe.'
this was an eye-opening, heartwrenching, mindblowing revelation that took me awhile to process.
that was several years ago. therapy was stopped, steps were started and stopped. layers were peeled. i believe that we process things and have things revealed to us as we are able to understand and process them. our higher power doesn't give us something that we can't handle. and i believe if we got all our truths at once, it would be too much.
so enter round of therapy two. and if theme of round one was -- your childhood wasn't 'safe,' then the theme emerging this time is... you've suffered some 'trauma.'
well, fuck. are you kidding me? again. i wasn't beat. i didn't have any sexual abuse from my mom and dad. i don't know. things just were what they were. but it turns out again, that my regular old life was pretty much a big deal. that i got used to some pretty traumatic things at a very early age.
death and dying. emotional turbulence. violent outbursts. feeling entirely out of control of my entire world and environment.
and so, my brain (the lizard part -- medulla oblongata -- the part that controls fight or flight, the part that has all the emergency systems controlled) has certain patterns that have been hardwired a long time ago. and when something in my present triggers something i don't even remember or that is subconsciously similiar to something i experienced in my childhood or to something traumatic in my past, my brain kicks up.
danger, will robinson. danger, jocelyn dawn. take care of this. no matter what.
get going. shut down. freeze up. take control. whatever i need to do. sometimes, i get cold. i shut down, numb out, have a 'sober blackout.' sometimes, i just fire up. take over, get in my car, have to move. sometimes, i'm mad or angry or something. even though my RATIONAL brain KNOWS it's not that big of a deal. even though i KNOW this isn't the way to handle this. even though i KNOW (in my cerebral cortex, in my intellect) that this is WAY too big of a reaction for what is going on.
but as it's been explained to me, once the trigger has been set in motion, it's kind of too late. the emergency system doesn't respond to rational thinking. it's a sensate experience. it has to be turned off with something safe, something sense related.
so. this is all new information. i'm just starting to get an idea of some of the things that might have to relate to this. stuff related to my dad, i guess. that's some of the first things that come to mind.
but, i'm scared. i'm so scared i'll never be able to heal this stuff. that i'll never be able to have regular relationships. that i'll always be a broken, alcoholic, manic-depressive. god, that scares me so much.
so, that's what i know about trauma so far. i'm sure i'll tell you more. but, i'm scared. scared that i'll always be this way. but i'm learning and i'm learning how to be aware of what this is and how to relate to it and so i don't always have to act on it. i mean, now at least i know that it's something, that it comes from somewhere.
i mean, i can't tell you how many years, so many times, i've been propelled by something feeling entirely outside myself that i couldn't control, and i had no idea what it was. i know at least where to start now. and the steps help and my friends in AA help, and having a god helps.
but i still need a bigger god. i'm so fucking scared. i'm scared i'll always be broken.
so, i'm back in therapy with a woman who has knowledge and work with people who have trauma in their lives. post traumatic stress disorder, that sort of thing. she also is a recovering alcoholic, and has knowledge of the steps. cool.
in the last go around of therapy with my other 'real' therapist -- someone who i really did work with, who i trusted and was honest with, who i really learned stuff about myself and who i took stuff from that impacted my life positively and that i could use to change my behavior -- i started to get an inkling that my family of origin (those three other people related to me by blood) work was going to be important.
that the way i was raised and the conditions in which i grew up, were in fact, not all freudian and lame, but in fact, really relevant to the way in which i currently dealt with others, in particular that albatross that was always following me -- romantic and/or intimate relationships. i hated the idea that my relationship with my father had anything to do with this. that seemed so passe, so cliche, so horribly gross, to be honest. but maybe there was something at least about my childhood that was key to unlocking some of all of this.
maybe it wasn't as 'normal' of a childhood as i had always made it out to be. the facts in my defense as i saw them:
i had two parents, who were still married. we never moved. i got good grades. we went to church/sunday school until i was out of high school. i was baptized and confirmed. we had food. nothing too terrible was expected of us (chores or anything like that). we weren't beat. my dad was drunk sometimes, but he wasn't a mean drunk. you know.
it started to be pointed out that for a young child, however, the following things were NOT normal, and in fact, might have been sort of scary.
having a dad whose health was precarious, to the point of being near death on several occasions.
having a dad who was, in fact, drunk a LOT, and not really being sure what that would mean most of the time.
having a dad who was sometimes prone to violent outbursts... which were not *directly* focused at anyone in the house, were not exactly settling to a child, or anyone remotely near (throwing things, swearing, yelling).
having a mom who would sometimes ignore us while she sat and talked on the phone.
feeling like we couldn't really talk about things.
being told in subtle ways that dad's illness was the top priority -- not our needs, wants, or feelings.
in fact, the first therapist went so far as to say that my childhood was not particularly 'safe.'
this was an eye-opening, heartwrenching, mindblowing revelation that took me awhile to process.
that was several years ago. therapy was stopped, steps were started and stopped. layers were peeled. i believe that we process things and have things revealed to us as we are able to understand and process them. our higher power doesn't give us something that we can't handle. and i believe if we got all our truths at once, it would be too much.
so enter round of therapy two. and if theme of round one was -- your childhood wasn't 'safe,' then the theme emerging this time is... you've suffered some 'trauma.'
well, fuck. are you kidding me? again. i wasn't beat. i didn't have any sexual abuse from my mom and dad. i don't know. things just were what they were. but it turns out again, that my regular old life was pretty much a big deal. that i got used to some pretty traumatic things at a very early age.
death and dying. emotional turbulence. violent outbursts. feeling entirely out of control of my entire world and environment.
and so, my brain (the lizard part -- medulla oblongata -- the part that controls fight or flight, the part that has all the emergency systems controlled) has certain patterns that have been hardwired a long time ago. and when something in my present triggers something i don't even remember or that is subconsciously similiar to something i experienced in my childhood or to something traumatic in my past, my brain kicks up.
danger, will robinson. danger, jocelyn dawn. take care of this. no matter what.
get going. shut down. freeze up. take control. whatever i need to do. sometimes, i get cold. i shut down, numb out, have a 'sober blackout.' sometimes, i just fire up. take over, get in my car, have to move. sometimes, i'm mad or angry or something. even though my RATIONAL brain KNOWS it's not that big of a deal. even though i KNOW this isn't the way to handle this. even though i KNOW (in my cerebral cortex, in my intellect) that this is WAY too big of a reaction for what is going on.
but as it's been explained to me, once the trigger has been set in motion, it's kind of too late. the emergency system doesn't respond to rational thinking. it's a sensate experience. it has to be turned off with something safe, something sense related.
so. this is all new information. i'm just starting to get an idea of some of the things that might have to relate to this. stuff related to my dad, i guess. that's some of the first things that come to mind.
but, i'm scared. i'm so scared i'll never be able to heal this stuff. that i'll never be able to have regular relationships. that i'll always be a broken, alcoholic, manic-depressive. god, that scares me so much.
so, that's what i know about trauma so far. i'm sure i'll tell you more. but, i'm scared. scared that i'll always be this way. but i'm learning and i'm learning how to be aware of what this is and how to relate to it and so i don't always have to act on it. i mean, now at least i know that it's something, that it comes from somewhere.
i mean, i can't tell you how many years, so many times, i've been propelled by something feeling entirely outside myself that i couldn't control, and i had no idea what it was. i know at least where to start now. and the steps help and my friends in AA help, and having a god helps.
but i still need a bigger god. i'm so fucking scared. i'm scared i'll always be broken.
