thanks, Mrs. S.

my friend, james, has a neat twist on birthdays. he sends his mom a card on his birthday. he's sent my mom a card on my birthday several times. a thank you for having me. a card of gratitude. a true mother's day card.

given the previous post and my frustration and resignation and all around upset, this may seem out of place. but i want you to know it's not at all disingenuous.

today is jeff's 35th birthday. a virgo. i don't know what that all means right at the moment. if we're supposed to be compatible or not. who knows. i remember him coming to a barbeque once and my friend, abel, who is really 'into' astrology, giving him the rundown of virgos.

abel knows a lot about astrology and signs because he's a salesman. literally and figuratively. he actually sells things (furs, mattresses, etc.), and he also likes to think he's got the upper hand on someone in any given situation. he likes to think he's in the know...what their personality is, how they will react, what their 'game' is so he can play it.

so, abel's there, giving him the lowdown about virgos, and i think jeff probably feels he's getting a decent evaluation. abel takes this astrology business fairly seriously, for as i've said, this means a lot to him in many different arenas of his life. but, i can't remember what it means. virgo. i just know i'm a pisces, and i don't know if we're supposed to be astrological pals or not.

what i do know is that i had pictured today being different 6 months ago. dinner. a date. shit, even two months ago, i thought maybe i'd take him to new york for his birthday. neither one of us has been. i thought maybe we'd go for the weekend...nothing romantic, but just go for the weekend, see the sights, take some pictures.

i'm here instead. i love sets of fives. 7 is a magic number, so 7 times 5 (35) is a great place to be. i think that's great. he's finished his 35th year. magic.

i'm grateful for every day we spent together. i'm grateful for all the music and movies and art and photos he exposed me to. i'm grateful for the way we know each other. i'm grateful for the connection we made. i'm grateful for knowing him. i really can't put it into words, really. i'm not doing it justice.

birthdays are different for everyone. for some, they are a time for celebration. for some, they are anxiety filling. for some, they are cause for sadness. i always hope that people have a chance for some calm reflection mixed with a little mirth.

i know that his day of birth came filled with complexity. i thank his mother and father. i can't send them a card...oh, that i would. i would just tell them what a fine son they have. i think sometimes, that's maybe all parents really need to know. that they did a good job; that their kids are fine and that they've been raised with good values and are really good people.

again, i can't make any promises about what i will or will not write about here. but it seems like after today, i should just probably let things be.


to jeff, for the new year:
may you find your days filled with friends and laughter and love. may you have music and beauty and know your heart's desire. may you set out into the new year filled with the courage to follow your dreams. may you trust that the universe is conspiring to support you and guide your every step. may you hear the small voice that always knows the next right thing. and may you have faith to do it.

happy birthday, jeff.

found in the archives

i found this while cleaning today. if memory serves correctly, i wrote this at a frisbie concert in minneapolis. i had driven up there with my roommate and my friend -- a guy that she had started dating. it was strange, to say the least. i had met him from this *other* email discussion list i was on. it was called audities, and i had been recommended there by liam.

maybe she hadn't started dating him yet. i don't know. all the chronology gets hazy in my mind. it seems to me that the following seems to stem out of my angst of my boyfriend who had moved up from arkansas to be with me breaking up with me that november and us taking this trip in january or february. so, i think she actually was dating mike by this time. we stayed with another friend, letty, who i met again through music... she hosted a frisbie in-store at her store and we instantly clicked. she was on the audities list, too, and we were all frisbie fans. a gaggle of unstereotypical groupies we were: kelly, shawn, letty, ann marie and me.

but, this frozen weekend found ann marie, mike and me traveling the long, cold, flat trip to minneapolis to see frisbie in the smaller venue below first avenue, passing by ann marie's hometown of hudson.

in the middle of the show is when i think i wrote this... who knows, now that i think about it, it makes more sense that this was february 2001. especially given the more rambling manic way it's written...although it does get sort of poetic in places.

i'll give it line breaks to make more readable...but it's all one long paragraph.

pop music courses through my veins pierces my soul lifts me up
sometimes, it consumes me and it seems it will be enough forever.
enough life to carry me through
enough god to save me.
there is the time -- tonight -- when the qualities that bring me to my knees at the altar shaking in ecstacy are the things that bring me begging for mercy.
it's all about love.
love had love wone love tasted love lost
i search all over for a song that won't take me down that dangerous path....wondering, craving for the inspiration of pop songs running mindlessly away from it.
empty ears hear tonight the litany of my church.
empty hearts empty hands
i know not of what i seek but i know the sweet elixir that has the power to save me also holds the poison to drown me -- awash in an ocean of self-pity and desperation.
hoping no one will see or notice or try to change things.
sometimes you have to wallow -- open up your throat and let the rushing water of harmoney fall in and suffocate your dreams let the hopelessness of a capo tear your world apart.
let the chords of sweet music shred your hold on what you know as happiness.
it's a rare moment when a pop show fails to remind me that life is short and moments fleetingly poignant.
but tonight, i'll fall down and skin my knee on pop. let it rip open wounds instead of heal them. let it tease me instead of comfort.
let it play with my emotions making them fragile and distant rather than whole and NOW: it is the things that can save us that betray us somethimes and it's a hard lesson to learn.
love gained. love found. love earned. love lost. love gone. love out the door.
it all sounds good to my ears even when my sould can't fathom how it willl reconcile the brutal torture with the beautiful gown it comes dressed in.
i want to wear it, but can i stand the weight of the chains and whips?
can i endure?
pop music, bound to betray. bound to wound and scar.
where will i go in these moments? or is there no escape and i get to be the sponge? soaking it up no matter how caustic this time?
damn you, pop music. just this once.

see. there's some really good parts. and then sometimes, it sounds just plain crazy. there you are.

about last night

saw rufus wainwright last night at ravinia. i'd never been there before.

had to park in their off-site parking. it was at the botanical gardens. the night was rife with memories from days past.

it was a summer evening to behold. not too hot, not too cold. just right. goldilocks would have been pleased. we arrived and got something fancy to eat -- some mongolian beef asian wrap deal (it was highland park, ravinia and all) -- while the opener, ben lee, sang his fare.

then off to our seats. when you looked behind all around you, out from the pavilion, there were trees encircling the whole thing. it was like you were sort of seeing a show from inside a small wooded area. it was nice.

terri hemmert from xrt emceed the night, and you could tell she was thrilled to introduce rufus. she said, "when they asked who wanted to emcee this show, i immediately raised my hand!"

and here we go --

set list with rufus' comments:

1. new song.. "one more..." ?? that's what i'm calling that.

Rufus: "You're well dressed, you match the venue."

2. The Art Teacher
3. Marigold

Rufus: (talking about the choker around his neck) "This is a bootstrap I found. Not a ribbon, not an S&M thing. A bootstrap. I made a choker out of a bootstrap. There's some midwestern ingenuity."

4. The One You Love

Rufus: "I feel like we're in Star Wars and the Evil Empire's been defeated and there'll be medals and wookies (some laughter)...and I'm the princess! (big laughter)"

5. My Phone's On Vibrate For You

Rufus: "I'm gonna retake country from country."

6. new song.. Katonah (sung with half-sister Lucy Roche)
7. Poses.

Rufus: "Now I'm going out of the country realm and back into 'city music.' This song is called 'Between My Legs.' It's about saving someone because they're gorgeous. It's a bad song."

8. new song.. Between My Legs

Rufus: "This song is about the great Jeff Buckley -- who I hated when I was young, and now I love. That's the story of my life."

9. Memphis Skyline
10. Hallelujah (Leonard Cohen cover, I'm told)

Rufus: "This is a happy apocalyptic song. It'll be a beautiful day when we're all dead. Together, that is."

11. Beautiful Child

Rufus: "I like to end my set with this. It's basically a protest song now and FOR GOOD REASON (clapping). I think.. well, I think in the U.S. we're in big trouble. If you're a woman, black, poor, gay -- you're basically fucked. This is saying that everyone's bad deeds will be...(unintelligible)."

12. Gay Messiah


He was in fine voice. Truly beautiful. I wish Ben Folds had gone first. Ben does an amazing job on piano... he broke two piano strings. I love that stuff. But, there was a part of me that maybe thought I just should have left after Rufus. I thought it would have looked strange though. "Hey, let's cruise." I wish they had been reversed. I know they are switching off this tour. Co-headlining. I know the majority of the folks were there to see Ben. But I was there to see Rufus Wainwright.

It was a really good show. Almost perfect.