this sucks
4-30-06
i totally loathe myself right now*. i'm damned if i do, damned if i don't. i spent all yesterday holed up in my house, a lot of it sleeping. at least i'm not eating a lot. it's going to be a good thing to lose weight.
nothing has changed. nothing is going to change. i can't make anyone change. i can kid myself. fool myself. let myself believe the obsession of the mind...the lie that my head tells me that it will be different this time. and try it again and see what happens.
but i'm not the one who can't be honest. i'm not the one who has a headcase here. it seems like it, because i lose my shit when i don't get what i want. let me rephrase. i lose my shit when i think that i'm totally ignored, left alone, fucked off. trauma, whatever. who fucking knows. it doesn't make me a better person cause i can name my stuff. so i guess we're all a little crazytown.
my head goes: this is so stupid. this could be so simple. this doesn't have to be so complicated. just talk! correspond! be normal! c'mon...try it! just see what happens!
so i do it. and it might even work for a moment or two. and then the same thing happens. i'm no one. i cease to exist. it's like i never said anything to begin with. again. and i feel like total, utter, complete shit. completely. i just want to fucking go to sleep forever. i hate myself because i can't believe that i did it again. i can't figure out why i suck so bad. i can't figure out why it can be -this- way but not *that* way.
and my head is soooo good. it goes: but you hate to be ignored. respond. you hate when it takes a week for someone to respond to a simple email. you hate when you never get a response back. you think it's the worst. it feels horrible. it feels so bad. don't do that. treat people how you wish to be treated.
but the thing is... people don't always do the same in kind. there's no guaranteed reciprocity. there's no magic button that says it will all tie up nicely with a bow. and i hate that my options are do nothing, do something ridiculous like blog about how i feel, or do something like call or write and then most likely wait to be ignored.
i feel like an idiot. i feel like only someone ridiculous would put themselves in this position and let someone else be passively in control of their emotions. and it's all because i can't (won't?) let go of the idea that if it only worked out the way *i* see it, then things would be fine.
that's lack of acceptance. that's lack of willingness to trust that my HP has got my back. and so i get in a lot of pain about stuff and that sucks.
5-3-06
*i don't loathe myself right now... that's what it felt like on sunday or whenever i wrote that or whatnot. maybe it wasn't even sunday. it was before i was going to write or call, or when i called once or something, before i called the second time. but i'm not in that space today. probably because i'm taking action and doing shit. but i just am tired and done. it's just like... this is so lame. so fuck it. i'm going to keep writing, he's going to keep reading, and we won't 'communicate' in any other way except for randomly every 3-4 months and then he will disappear. great. how stupid and ridiculous and lame. whatever. his loss.
i totally loathe myself right now*. i'm damned if i do, damned if i don't. i spent all yesterday holed up in my house, a lot of it sleeping. at least i'm not eating a lot. it's going to be a good thing to lose weight.
nothing has changed. nothing is going to change. i can't make anyone change. i can kid myself. fool myself. let myself believe the obsession of the mind...the lie that my head tells me that it will be different this time. and try it again and see what happens.
but i'm not the one who can't be honest. i'm not the one who has a headcase here. it seems like it, because i lose my shit when i don't get what i want. let me rephrase. i lose my shit when i think that i'm totally ignored, left alone, fucked off. trauma, whatever. who fucking knows. it doesn't make me a better person cause i can name my stuff. so i guess we're all a little crazytown.
my head goes: this is so stupid. this could be so simple. this doesn't have to be so complicated. just talk! correspond! be normal! c'mon...try it! just see what happens!
so i do it. and it might even work for a moment or two. and then the same thing happens. i'm no one. i cease to exist. it's like i never said anything to begin with. again. and i feel like total, utter, complete shit. completely. i just want to fucking go to sleep forever. i hate myself because i can't believe that i did it again. i can't figure out why i suck so bad. i can't figure out why it can be -this- way but not *that* way.
and my head is soooo good. it goes: but you hate to be ignored. respond. you hate when it takes a week for someone to respond to a simple email. you hate when you never get a response back. you think it's the worst. it feels horrible. it feels so bad. don't do that. treat people how you wish to be treated.
but the thing is... people don't always do the same in kind. there's no guaranteed reciprocity. there's no magic button that says it will all tie up nicely with a bow. and i hate that my options are do nothing, do something ridiculous like blog about how i feel, or do something like call or write and then most likely wait to be ignored.
i feel like an idiot. i feel like only someone ridiculous would put themselves in this position and let someone else be passively in control of their emotions. and it's all because i can't (won't?) let go of the idea that if it only worked out the way *i* see it, then things would be fine.
that's lack of acceptance. that's lack of willingness to trust that my HP has got my back. and so i get in a lot of pain about stuff and that sucks.
5-3-06
*i don't loathe myself right now... that's what it felt like on sunday or whenever i wrote that or whatnot. maybe it wasn't even sunday. it was before i was going to write or call, or when i called once or something, before i called the second time. but i'm not in that space today. probably because i'm taking action and doing shit. but i just am tired and done. it's just like... this is so lame. so fuck it. i'm going to keep writing, he's going to keep reading, and we won't 'communicate' in any other way except for randomly every 3-4 months and then he will disappear. great. how stupid and ridiculous and lame. whatever. his loss.
