promising light
time & all you gave
i was the jerk who preferred the sea
to tussling in the waves
tugging your skirt, singing please, please, please
but now i see love
tracked on the floor where you walked outside
now i see love
looking for you in this other girl's eyes
time & all you took
only my freedom to fuck the whole world
promising not to look
promising light on the sidewalk girls
but now i see love
there in your car where i said those things
now i see love
tugging your skirt, singing please, please, please
time & all you gave
there on your cross that i never saw
well beyond the waves
dunking my head when i heard you call
but now i see love
there in the scab where you pinched my leg
now i see love
there on your side of my empty bed
"promising light" -- iron and wine
he put this song on my "smell" disc of the 5 senses series he made for the grand holiday of 5/5/5. how wonderful is that? it's stuck between a jack johnson song and a will johnson song.
i just got done brushing my teeth to this song and sobbing while brushing. strange sensation that... minty and salty.
i'm learning a lot about myself lately, in therapy. learning about the ghosts of the past that rule me in my present.
and i'm listening to this song and it hits me: we were great for each other. that may have been the surface problem. he made me feel so safe, so loved. and i accepted him exactly for who he is. and the parts of us that are scarred and scared and hurt; the parts of us we mostly don't even know or recognize or understand -- these are the things that made it not work.
but the essence is that we were great for each other. i believe that. we loved each other. i just heard that jack johnson song (i didn't really listen to the straight up mix discs that much, always with the rufus and the centro and the shins), and then the iron and wine, and i just heard something -- about sleeping and i don't know. it's not the lyrics, it's pieces of lyrics and the melodies and memories flash for me.
and i am still left wondering for now, "what was the problem there?" and as i learn about me and the things i have to work through, i realize -- oh. i felt so safe when i was with him. i felt safer than i ever have with ANYONE. EVER. no wonder why i wanted to spend so much time with him. i just felt so comfortable and safe and i've just never had that. i could tell him anything and i could be any way with him. and i could be naked or clothed or eat what i wanted or feel some way or watch a movie or fall asleep or just be held. and god, that felt so amazing. we were so close.
and i know that i need to have boundaries, that i can't count on someone to be my safety. i get that now, especially since i didn't even know that i didn't feel safe! but, man, it's so nice to have someone who you don't have to be so guarded around. and i feel that way in AA, too. and that's why i needed to keep that first. and god.
but, i also feel like he hates himself so much, that he couldn't receive all the love i have for him. the fact that i see him and i love him so much. that he, too, can be anyway he wants. he can be poor or rich. he can be funny or sad. he can be neat or messy. he can be silly or serious. i tease sometimes, but i don't care if he's particular about stuff. i don't care what he's into. i mean, i DO care, but i don't think he's strange or odd. i love him. i just do. i love him enough to actually give pause to the fact that maybe i'd consider having children with him. if you know me AT ALL, you'd stop for a moment and let your life be changed by that.
and maybe i'm just sad and mourning, and so i make everything out to be better than it is or was or i'm just dramatic. maybe that kid thing is just a joke or a fantasy so that i can make things seem like i could be someone i'm not. who knows. i don't.
i know right now, like times before, i just need to hunker down and get a bigger god and do the next right thing and give our relationship (the friendship, the whole thing) to god. give me to god. give him to god. the worries, the joys, the memories, everything. and just ask to live in the moment.
it could be another 5 months, another 5 years before i am in a relationship. i may never be in another again.
i don't know.
but i know that we were really good for and to each other. and i think that may have been scary for both of us.
i was the jerk who preferred the sea
to tussling in the waves
tugging your skirt, singing please, please, please
but now i see love
tracked on the floor where you walked outside
now i see love
looking for you in this other girl's eyes
time & all you took
only my freedom to fuck the whole world
promising not to look
promising light on the sidewalk girls
but now i see love
there in your car where i said those things
now i see love
tugging your skirt, singing please, please, please
time & all you gave
there on your cross that i never saw
well beyond the waves
dunking my head when i heard you call
but now i see love
there in the scab where you pinched my leg
now i see love
there on your side of my empty bed
"promising light" -- iron and wine
he put this song on my "smell" disc of the 5 senses series he made for the grand holiday of 5/5/5. how wonderful is that? it's stuck between a jack johnson song and a will johnson song.
i just got done brushing my teeth to this song and sobbing while brushing. strange sensation that... minty and salty.
i'm learning a lot about myself lately, in therapy. learning about the ghosts of the past that rule me in my present.
and i'm listening to this song and it hits me: we were great for each other. that may have been the surface problem. he made me feel so safe, so loved. and i accepted him exactly for who he is. and the parts of us that are scarred and scared and hurt; the parts of us we mostly don't even know or recognize or understand -- these are the things that made it not work.
but the essence is that we were great for each other. i believe that. we loved each other. i just heard that jack johnson song (i didn't really listen to the straight up mix discs that much, always with the rufus and the centro and the shins), and then the iron and wine, and i just heard something -- about sleeping and i don't know. it's not the lyrics, it's pieces of lyrics and the melodies and memories flash for me.
and i am still left wondering for now, "what was the problem there?" and as i learn about me and the things i have to work through, i realize -- oh. i felt so safe when i was with him. i felt safer than i ever have with ANYONE. EVER. no wonder why i wanted to spend so much time with him. i just felt so comfortable and safe and i've just never had that. i could tell him anything and i could be any way with him. and i could be naked or clothed or eat what i wanted or feel some way or watch a movie or fall asleep or just be held. and god, that felt so amazing. we were so close.
and i know that i need to have boundaries, that i can't count on someone to be my safety. i get that now, especially since i didn't even know that i didn't feel safe! but, man, it's so nice to have someone who you don't have to be so guarded around. and i feel that way in AA, too. and that's why i needed to keep that first. and god.
but, i also feel like he hates himself so much, that he couldn't receive all the love i have for him. the fact that i see him and i love him so much. that he, too, can be anyway he wants. he can be poor or rich. he can be funny or sad. he can be neat or messy. he can be silly or serious. i tease sometimes, but i don't care if he's particular about stuff. i don't care what he's into. i mean, i DO care, but i don't think he's strange or odd. i love him. i just do. i love him enough to actually give pause to the fact that maybe i'd consider having children with him. if you know me AT ALL, you'd stop for a moment and let your life be changed by that.
and maybe i'm just sad and mourning, and so i make everything out to be better than it is or was or i'm just dramatic. maybe that kid thing is just a joke or a fantasy so that i can make things seem like i could be someone i'm not. who knows. i don't.
i know right now, like times before, i just need to hunker down and get a bigger god and do the next right thing and give our relationship (the friendship, the whole thing) to god. give me to god. give him to god. the worries, the joys, the memories, everything. and just ask to live in the moment.
it could be another 5 months, another 5 years before i am in a relationship. i may never be in another again.
i don't know.
but i know that we were really good for and to each other. and i think that may have been scary for both of us.
