only a week

it's only been a week since we last exchanged emails. i doubt that anyone sees this blog.... i kind of hope not, but there's a part of me that hopes that he does? that someone does? who knows. i guess i do sort of hope that it's secret. cause for now, i'm using this 'supposed to be fodder for my frisbie book/parallels with my manic-depression chronicles' journal book as this stupid journey through my dealing with not being his friend or something.

stupid. and i guess this DOES fit in with the manic-depression thing, because i still haven't fleshed this out in the other blog, but he told me the last time we really talked that one of the things he was afraid of -- being my friend again, or ever, i guess -- was that he felt that he was going to have to save me. or that he'd FEEL like he'd have to.

i didn't really process it right then. to be honest, i didn't even get it at first. he started it with 'remember those three days in bed,' and i was all going to the ONE day we had spent in bed, sleeping, having sex. and it was overindulgent...by the end of the day, we were tired of laying around, if that makes sense. we didn't like how it felt...but we were sort of filled with inertia, and it was hard to move. it was strange, but we both didn't like how it felt. and i thought THAT was what he was going to reference....and i thought the 'three' was sort of a hyperbole or something....and then i got it.

he meant the THREE days i spent in HIS bed, meaning not together. when i slept and slept and slept. and didn't go to work. and he'd get up and get dressed and i'd see him in his work clothes and be so impressed and feel so warm and proud of him... of him and his work and his sexy work clothes and his important job that he worked so hard at and worried over and knew that he was somewhat unfulfilled at while dreams of films and photos and other things roamed around somewhere in his soul.... and he was so kind to let me stay at his house. he didn't really know WHAT to do, i suppose. and i just slept and slept and slept and didn't get up. his bedroom was very dark and conducive to the sleeping. and he'd come home, and i'd still be there, and sometimes we'd get stuff to eat. and by the second or third day one of my well-meaning friends actually called HIM at work to see where i was.

looking back, this is SO horrifying. what was it? a month and 1/2 into things? i'm trying not to cry thinking of it. what must he have thought. i mean, we were so in love. we were trying not to think of what would happen later because we were divided on the children issue, for heaven's sake. we were thinking about how we wanted to move in togther. but, i'm sure he was so scared. i know being the kind of person he is, he wanted to help me so much. and i know there was nothing he could do, really. i mean, all i ever really want is for someone to hold me.... sort of. i mean, sort of. i want that so much, but sometimes in that scenario, i'm so wrecked and embarrassed that i just want to sleep....

and i'm depressed again. i'm doing stuff about it. i called my doc today. i'm getting out. i'm going to a party tonight. i stayed home one day from work this week. but...what if no one will ever want to be with me, because i get depressed. or because they think they have to save me? what if even the most perfect fit just realizes that they don't want to deal with someone who suffers from a mental illness?

i'm trying.

i lost my best friends over this. it's different now, and better. and i realize that they were different people then, and we were all so struggling with so many things. i know that. but it still was really hard. and i know it was hard for everyone. but it was still hard. it was still really sad and hard and painful to have everyone say: we can't deal with this shit. we can't handle this crazy insanity sad fucked up shit on top of our own sad crazy messes. we have to go now.

and i'm so afraid it'll always be like that. that i'll always be broken and no one will ever want to stay. that i'll always be crazy.

i know it's so much more different. but the seasons will always change. it'll always get darker out and it will always be spring and it will always get to be january and the earth will always go around the sun.

i am better than i've ever been. i catch it earlier. i notice things more closely. i can figure out -- oh. this is a little different than 'normal.' oh, i think i might be depressed. it gets better and better with each season, each year.

but i just want people to love me for who i am. to try and take the ride of life with me.

i don't want my friends to leave anymore.

i miss them. i got some back. but i lost one again.

i'm just so sad right now. i wish i didn't have to be like this. really. there's lots of good stuff that goes with this, though. i think it makes me a good person and a good friend and a good person to know.

i wish you'd want to know me.

long shot

do you want to go see rufus wainwright in east lansing, MI on 10/8?

blah

i often buy a bunch of cards when i find myself in a card store or the hallmark aisle at my favorite drugstore.

i buy future needs -- birthdays, blanks, friends, silly ones. things i might use in future collages. things that strike or move me.

i just went through my recent bounty, only to find that they nearly all were 'missing you' cards. oh.

trauma part one

i don't even know what the fuck to write about. how to start this post out. i'm doing it here first, in the secret land. because really, i just think people are going to think this is stupid.

so, i'm back in therapy with a woman who has knowledge and work with people who have trauma in their lives. post traumatic stress disorder, that sort of thing. she also is a recovering alcoholic, and has knowledge of the steps. cool.

in the last go around of therapy with my other 'real' therapist -- someone who i really did work with, who i trusted and was honest with, who i really learned stuff about myself and who i took stuff from that impacted my life positively and that i could use to change my behavior -- i started to get an inkling that my family of origin (those three other people related to me by blood) work was going to be important.

that the way i was raised and the conditions in which i grew up, were in fact, not all freudian and lame, but in fact, really relevant to the way in which i currently dealt with others, in particular that albatross that was always following me -- romantic and/or intimate relationships. i hated the idea that my relationship with my father had anything to do with this. that seemed so passe, so cliche, so horribly gross, to be honest. but maybe there was something at least about my childhood that was key to unlocking some of all of this.

maybe it wasn't as 'normal' of a childhood as i had always made it out to be. the facts in my defense as i saw them:

i had two parents, who were still married. we never moved. i got good grades. we went to church/sunday school until i was out of high school. i was baptized and confirmed. we had food. nothing too terrible was expected of us (chores or anything like that). we weren't beat. my dad was drunk sometimes, but he wasn't a mean drunk. you know.

it started to be pointed out that for a young child, however, the following things were NOT normal, and in fact, might have been sort of scary.

having a dad whose health was precarious, to the point of being near death on several occasions.

having a dad who was, in fact, drunk a LOT, and not really being sure what that would mean most of the time.

having a dad who was sometimes prone to violent outbursts... which were not *directly* focused at anyone in the house, were not exactly settling to a child, or anyone remotely near (throwing things, swearing, yelling).

having a mom who would sometimes ignore us while she sat and talked on the phone.

feeling like we couldn't really talk about things.

being told in subtle ways that dad's illness was the top priority -- not our needs, wants, or feelings.

in fact, the first therapist went so far as to say that my childhood was not particularly 'safe.'

this was an eye-opening, heartwrenching, mindblowing revelation that took me awhile to process.

that was several years ago. therapy was stopped, steps were started and stopped. layers were peeled. i believe that we process things and have things revealed to us as we are able to understand and process them. our higher power doesn't give us something that we can't handle. and i believe if we got all our truths at once, it would be too much.


so enter round of therapy two. and if theme of round one was -- your childhood wasn't 'safe,' then the theme emerging this time is... you've suffered some 'trauma.'

well, fuck. are you kidding me? again. i wasn't beat. i didn't have any sexual abuse from my mom and dad. i don't know. things just were what they were. but it turns out again, that my regular old life was pretty much a big deal. that i got used to some pretty traumatic things at a very early age.

death and dying. emotional turbulence. violent outbursts. feeling entirely out of control of my entire world and environment.

and so, my brain (the lizard part -- medulla oblongata -- the part that controls fight or flight, the part that has all the emergency systems controlled) has certain patterns that have been hardwired a long time ago. and when something in my present triggers something i don't even remember or that is subconsciously similiar to something i experienced in my childhood or to something traumatic in my past, my brain kicks up.

danger, will robinson. danger, jocelyn dawn. take care of this. no matter what.

get going. shut down. freeze up. take control. whatever i need to do. sometimes, i get cold. i shut down, numb out, have a 'sober blackout.' sometimes, i just fire up. take over, get in my car, have to move. sometimes, i'm mad or angry or something. even though my RATIONAL brain KNOWS it's not that big of a deal. even though i KNOW this isn't the way to handle this. even though i KNOW (in my cerebral cortex, in my intellect) that this is WAY too big of a reaction for what is going on.

but as it's been explained to me, once the trigger has been set in motion, it's kind of too late. the emergency system doesn't respond to rational thinking. it's a sensate experience. it has to be turned off with something safe, something sense related.

so. this is all new information. i'm just starting to get an idea of some of the things that might have to relate to this. stuff related to my dad, i guess. that's some of the first things that come to mind.

but, i'm scared. i'm so scared i'll never be able to heal this stuff. that i'll never be able to have regular relationships. that i'll always be a broken, alcoholic, manic-depressive. god, that scares me so much.

so, that's what i know about trauma so far. i'm sure i'll tell you more. but, i'm scared. scared that i'll always be this way. but i'm learning and i'm learning how to be aware of what this is and how to relate to it and so i don't always have to act on it. i mean, now at least i know that it's something, that it comes from somewhere.

i mean, i can't tell you how many years, so many times, i've been propelled by something feeling entirely outside myself that i couldn't control, and i had no idea what it was. i know at least where to start now. and the steps help and my friends in AA help, and having a god helps.

but i still need a bigger god. i'm so fucking scared. i'm scared i'll always be broken.

promising light

time & all you gave
i was the jerk who preferred the sea
to tussling in the waves
tugging your skirt, singing please, please, please

but now i see love
tracked on the floor where you walked outside
now i see love
looking for you in this other girl's eyes

time & all you took
only my freedom to fuck the whole world
promising not to look
promising light on the sidewalk girls

but now i see love
there in your car where i said those things
now i see love
tugging your skirt, singing please, please, please

time & all you gave
there on your cross that i never saw
well beyond the waves
dunking my head when i heard you call

but now i see love
there in the scab where you pinched my leg
now i see love
there on your side of my empty bed

"promising light" -- iron and wine

he put this song on my "smell" disc of the 5 senses series he made for the grand holiday of 5/5/5. how wonderful is that? it's stuck between a jack johnson song and a will johnson song.

i just got done brushing my teeth to this song and sobbing while brushing. strange sensation that... minty and salty.

i'm learning a lot about myself lately, in therapy. learning about the ghosts of the past that rule me in my present.

and i'm listening to this song and it hits me: we were great for each other. that may have been the surface problem. he made me feel so safe, so loved. and i accepted him exactly for who he is. and the parts of us that are scarred and scared and hurt; the parts of us we mostly don't even know or recognize or understand -- these are the things that made it not work.

but the essence is that we were great for each other. i believe that. we loved each other. i just heard that jack johnson song (i didn't really listen to the straight up mix discs that much, always with the rufus and the centro and the shins), and then the iron and wine, and i just heard something -- about sleeping and i don't know. it's not the lyrics, it's pieces of lyrics and the melodies and memories flash for me.

and i am still left wondering for now, "what was the problem there?" and as i learn about me and the things i have to work through, i realize -- oh. i felt so safe when i was with him. i felt safer than i ever have with ANYONE. EVER. no wonder why i wanted to spend so much time with him. i just felt so comfortable and safe and i've just never had that. i could tell him anything and i could be any way with him. and i could be naked or clothed or eat what i wanted or feel some way or watch a movie or fall asleep or just be held. and god, that felt so amazing. we were so close.

and i know that i need to have boundaries, that i can't count on someone to be my safety. i get that now, especially since i didn't even know that i didn't feel safe! but, man, it's so nice to have someone who you don't have to be so guarded around. and i feel that way in AA, too. and that's why i needed to keep that first. and god.

but, i also feel like he hates himself so much, that he couldn't receive all the love i have for him. the fact that i see him and i love him so much. that he, too, can be anyway he wants. he can be poor or rich. he can be funny or sad. he can be neat or messy. he can be silly or serious. i tease sometimes, but i don't care if he's particular about stuff. i don't care what he's into. i mean, i DO care, but i don't think he's strange or odd. i love him. i just do. i love him enough to actually give pause to the fact that maybe i'd consider having children with him. if you know me AT ALL, you'd stop for a moment and let your life be changed by that.

and maybe i'm just sad and mourning, and so i make everything out to be better than it is or was or i'm just dramatic. maybe that kid thing is just a joke or a fantasy so that i can make things seem like i could be someone i'm not. who knows. i don't.

i know right now, like times before, i just need to hunker down and get a bigger god and do the next right thing and give our relationship (the friendship, the whole thing) to god. give me to god. give him to god. the worries, the joys, the memories, everything. and just ask to live in the moment.

it could be another 5 months, another 5 years before i am in a relationship. i may never be in another again.

i don't know.

but i know that we were really good for and to each other. and i think that may have been scary for both of us.

9.18.05

you could die alone in that empty place
i might never know
who would write and tell me
months would pass and i would still wonder how you were
if you remembered the times we spent
laughing in your car
unable to get out
because we still wanted to stay stuck
in the moment

i don't know why we can't figure out a way
to talk
i don't know how to let go
my heart breaks knowing that we are so close and yet
we are millions of miles away
this electricity
brought us together
and keeps us apart

i just wanted to see you one more time
and tell you that i was willing to let you go
for the sake of our friendship
i wanted to tell you that i knew that i needed to find myself
and work on things
i wanted to see your face and show you that i was in pain
but that i knew you were too

i know we met for a reason
but i don't know why
i fell in love with you
but i'm afraid i can't be trusted with love anymore
i wish so much that it wasn't like this
i wish so much that you could not have to be so afraid of me

that cuts me so deeply
i try not to let it
but it rips me up
it tears at tender pieces of me
even though i try not to let it

i hope one day we'll meet again and we'll both be different
i hope we'll both be healed
not from each other
but from ourselves.