what's next
i finished my 5th step on 9/19. i didn't feel particularly elated, but i challenged myself to look people in the eye as i went to my homegroup. that felt okay. i had written some stuff on the '5 proposals' (i.e. the first 5 steps) on the train ride from hyde park to lincoln park.
then, i was glad to have finally done it, but floating around in 'survival behavior awareness' mode. feeling sort of weird and hopeless. could/would god really remove these huge, rooted, deep things from my character? i was hoping so.
i talked to my sponsor on wed., and she told me to make my sexual/mate ideal, and after we talk about that, we'll go on to step 8. yipes!
here are the things i wrote regarding the first 5 proposals:
1. we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
i am powerless over alcohol -- when i drink anything, i cannot stop. i have an allergic (abnormal) reaction, and my body/mind is not satisfied, but instead craves more alcohol. i will put aside any responsibility, duty, task, idea to go have drinks or use drugs. i don't pay my bills; i don't show up for people -- work, friends, family. i don't respect myself and i do things that put me in harm's way. i have no way to predict what will happen if i take a drink. drinking separates me from who i am truly meant to be. (i am also an addict, and i will do just about anything if given the chance.)
2. came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
by coming around the rooms of alcoholics anonymous, i started to believe that the people in the rooms had a better way of living. i started to believe and have hope that if i followed in their footsteps, that i could 1. stay sober, and 2. have a happy life. i started to believe that there was a creative, benevolent, spirit that wants/ed me to be happy, joyous and free. i believe that this power is always with me, and wants to help me stay sober and live a happy life. i believe that this spirit is fully expressed in the rooms/meetings of AA, and through recovering alcoholics who have tapped into it. i believe that my HP loves me unconditionally, wants to see me prosper, and wants me to know peace, serenity and freedom. i believe that god wants to take care of me.
3. made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god, as we understood him.
i have decided to give my thoughts and actions to the care of a HP. i believe the best way to effect this change/process (to elicit a psychic change), is to continue through and work the rest of the steps. i believe that trying to seek god's will will result in true happiness, joy, peace. i believe that by working the steps, i will be able to hear god's will more clearly. i believe that i will draw closer to my HP. I believe that i will lhave a spiritual awakening.
4. made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.
i took instructions from the big book of alcoholics a anonymous and my sponsor (a woman who has worked the steps and had experience w/sobriety that i desire). i wrote down the people i was resentful with, what they did, what they affected in me, and what my part was -- behaviors/beliefs/traits i held that caused/perpetuated/affected the person and/or their behavior. i wrote down the fears associated with the resentment. i chronicled my sexual history. i wrote down what i had done, whom i hurt, and where i aroused jealousy, bitterness, suspicion. i also wrote what i would do differently if i had the chance. i looked at my whole life and saw the way my life looked surviving on my own will and survival behaviors/"character defects." it was sad and confusing....something that became clear in my 5th step. i did, however, realize that this was all the stuff i drank over.
5. admitted to god, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
in sitting down with my sponsor, i was first able to see that i had not truly associated my 'core fears' with the associated resentments/behaviors. i needed to see what fear/s were driving me to act the way i did. i went back over my 4th step and searched out what i was truly afraid of. the common theme/s were:
fear of abandonment: people wil lleave me. i will be all alone. people will not stay. if something goes wrong, people will leave. people will leave if they get upset by me. (subset: perfectionism -- if i am not perfect, people will not like me/people will leave.)
fear of inadequacy: i am not good enough. i am unworthy. no one wil find anything good about me/or to like. i am not deserving of good things (people/behavior). i am inherently sucky. (subset: procrastination -- i will do it wrong, why bother. flip side -- i can wait until the last minute, i'm so good people will like it anyway.)
fear of not being taken care of: i will not keep what i have. i will not get what i want. i will not be secure -- i will not have enough love, attention, money, people. i will be left lacking. i will be totally unprepared and out of control. bad things will happen. (subset: afraid to 'miss something': i will be out of control, if i know things i can plan ahead of time how to take care of myself and things will go okay.)
fear of intimacy: if people really get to know me, they will leave. i f people really get to know me, they will not like what they see. if people really get to know me, they will hurt me (physically/emotionally). if people really get to know me, i will be exposed.
in sharing these things with my sponsor, i see that my whole life has been unconsciously (and consciously) ruled by these fears. i stay in situations that don't serve me. i react by clinging to things/people out of fear. i perpetuate bad behavior by people pleasing. i have shame and guilt in many areas of my life. i feel like i just have to be perfect and good for others to like me. i see that operating according to these principles leads me to pain, isolation, and misery. these fears (and actions resulting) do not make me happy, joyous and FREE.
6. were entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character.
the movie of my life is SAD and CONFUSING. i cannot will these survival behaviors away, i need HP's help. i cannot fix the things that hurt me on my own. i need that power that i believe can 'restore me to sanity.' i don't want to live in fear and shame anymore. i don't want to be ruled by negativity. i want to change. i want to be free. i want to love myself. i want to have good, healthy, relationships. i want to talke care of my body: eat well, exercise, sleep enough. i want to be useful and helpful to others.
7. humbly asked god to remove our shortcomings.
i'm going to ask god to remove my shortcomings/fears/survival behaviors, because i know i can't do it on my own. the 7th step prayer says:
"my creator, i am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. i pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. grant me strength as i go out from here, to do your bidding. amen."
so. that's what i know today...
then, i was glad to have finally done it, but floating around in 'survival behavior awareness' mode. feeling sort of weird and hopeless. could/would god really remove these huge, rooted, deep things from my character? i was hoping so.
i talked to my sponsor on wed., and she told me to make my sexual/mate ideal, and after we talk about that, we'll go on to step 8. yipes!
here are the things i wrote regarding the first 5 proposals:
1. we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
i am powerless over alcohol -- when i drink anything, i cannot stop. i have an allergic (abnormal) reaction, and my body/mind is not satisfied, but instead craves more alcohol. i will put aside any responsibility, duty, task, idea to go have drinks or use drugs. i don't pay my bills; i don't show up for people -- work, friends, family. i don't respect myself and i do things that put me in harm's way. i have no way to predict what will happen if i take a drink. drinking separates me from who i am truly meant to be. (i am also an addict, and i will do just about anything if given the chance.)
2. came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
by coming around the rooms of alcoholics anonymous, i started to believe that the people in the rooms had a better way of living. i started to believe and have hope that if i followed in their footsteps, that i could 1. stay sober, and 2. have a happy life. i started to believe that there was a creative, benevolent, spirit that wants/ed me to be happy, joyous and free. i believe that this power is always with me, and wants to help me stay sober and live a happy life. i believe that this spirit is fully expressed in the rooms/meetings of AA, and through recovering alcoholics who have tapped into it. i believe that my HP loves me unconditionally, wants to see me prosper, and wants me to know peace, serenity and freedom. i believe that god wants to take care of me.
3. made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god, as we understood him.
i have decided to give my thoughts and actions to the care of a HP. i believe the best way to effect this change/process (to elicit a psychic change), is to continue through and work the rest of the steps. i believe that trying to seek god's will will result in true happiness, joy, peace. i believe that by working the steps, i will be able to hear god's will more clearly. i believe that i will draw closer to my HP. I believe that i will lhave a spiritual awakening.
4. made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.
i took instructions from the big book of alcoholics a anonymous and my sponsor (a woman who has worked the steps and had experience w/sobriety that i desire). i wrote down the people i was resentful with, what they did, what they affected in me, and what my part was -- behaviors/beliefs/traits i held that caused/perpetuated/affected the person and/or their behavior. i wrote down the fears associated with the resentment. i chronicled my sexual history. i wrote down what i had done, whom i hurt, and where i aroused jealousy, bitterness, suspicion. i also wrote what i would do differently if i had the chance. i looked at my whole life and saw the way my life looked surviving on my own will and survival behaviors/"character defects." it was sad and confusing....something that became clear in my 5th step. i did, however, realize that this was all the stuff i drank over.
5. admitted to god, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
in sitting down with my sponsor, i was first able to see that i had not truly associated my 'core fears' with the associated resentments/behaviors. i needed to see what fear/s were driving me to act the way i did. i went back over my 4th step and searched out what i was truly afraid of. the common theme/s were:
fear of abandonment: people wil lleave me. i will be all alone. people will not stay. if something goes wrong, people will leave. people will leave if they get upset by me. (subset: perfectionism -- if i am not perfect, people will not like me/people will leave.)
fear of inadequacy: i am not good enough. i am unworthy. no one wil find anything good about me/or to like. i am not deserving of good things (people/behavior). i am inherently sucky. (subset: procrastination -- i will do it wrong, why bother. flip side -- i can wait until the last minute, i'm so good people will like it anyway.)
fear of not being taken care of: i will not keep what i have. i will not get what i want. i will not be secure -- i will not have enough love, attention, money, people. i will be left lacking. i will be totally unprepared and out of control. bad things will happen. (subset: afraid to 'miss something': i will be out of control, if i know things i can plan ahead of time how to take care of myself and things will go okay.)
fear of intimacy: if people really get to know me, they will leave. i f people really get to know me, they will not like what they see. if people really get to know me, they will hurt me (physically/emotionally). if people really get to know me, i will be exposed.
in sharing these things with my sponsor, i see that my whole life has been unconsciously (and consciously) ruled by these fears. i stay in situations that don't serve me. i react by clinging to things/people out of fear. i perpetuate bad behavior by people pleasing. i have shame and guilt in many areas of my life. i feel like i just have to be perfect and good for others to like me. i see that operating according to these principles leads me to pain, isolation, and misery. these fears (and actions resulting) do not make me happy, joyous and FREE.
6. were entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character.
the movie of my life is SAD and CONFUSING. i cannot will these survival behaviors away, i need HP's help. i cannot fix the things that hurt me on my own. i need that power that i believe can 'restore me to sanity.' i don't want to live in fear and shame anymore. i don't want to be ruled by negativity. i want to change. i want to be free. i want to love myself. i want to have good, healthy, relationships. i want to talke care of my body: eat well, exercise, sleep enough. i want to be useful and helpful to others.
7. humbly asked god to remove our shortcomings.
i'm going to ask god to remove my shortcomings/fears/survival behaviors, because i know i can't do it on my own. the 7th step prayer says:
"my creator, i am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. i pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. grant me strength as i go out from here, to do your bidding. amen."
so. that's what i know today...
