hymn
"deliver
deliver me from darkness
deliver me from darkness
my world rocked
my world reeled
up from the smoke
and you were revealed"
the opening lines from a song entitled "hymn" by liam davis.
i'm listening to it now. i'm sure i'm not the only one who's ever heard it, but it feels like my own private treat sometimes. it's beautiful and seems like something that definitely speaks to the side of me that needs nurturing, especially today.
i've come to find this shoestring spirituality, tied together, with prayers that sound sometimes more like desperate whispers in bathroom stalls and with comments at meetings declaring how fucked up i feel that day... how i felt like ripping some clerk's face off for not giving me proper change or how when someone at work said that there was too much work to do in one day, i wanted to respond, "well, at least it keeps you from killing yourself, hey?" (a thought and comment that spoke much more about -my- state of being rather than the woman to whom i really wanted to address, but whom i knew wouldn't find it morbidly funny in the slightest.)
these are the prayers i've been uttering lately. ones out loud, not specific, not really to my god of my own understanding, this higher power i've managed to come in contact with, but not understand -- but rather just ones toward him/her/it. it's like i've just been avoiding him (god, i hate that default pronoun, but i feel so helpless and lazy to come up with something else.) out of apathy or laziness or probably...what apathy and laziness and procrastination really are symptoms of: fear.
fear of feeling something. sadness. that contemplation of a new year. the contemplation of really changing. the fear of what is in store for me this year. all the good things. all the unknowns. the growing older, the growing mature, the growing up. i'm scared. and i don't know how to say it. even to my loving, all-encompassing god. the one i made up, right to specifications for this 'program.' i'm scared. and i hate that. i hate when i finally get a little quiet and i find out that's what's going on.
new job. new stuff. new roles. new opportunity. good stuff! lots of it really is. and i'm scared. and then i run away from god. and i don't get it. sigh. and i'm not smoking, either. and it's funny how much that was enough to numb out for a little while, those precious seconds of smoke.... just enough to x out something i didn't even know i was running from.
they say AA is a simple program for complicated people. 'nuff said.
deliver me from darkness
deliver me from darkness
my world rocked
my world reeled
up from the smoke
and you were revealed"
the opening lines from a song entitled "hymn" by liam davis.
i'm listening to it now. i'm sure i'm not the only one who's ever heard it, but it feels like my own private treat sometimes. it's beautiful and seems like something that definitely speaks to the side of me that needs nurturing, especially today.
i've come to find this shoestring spirituality, tied together, with prayers that sound sometimes more like desperate whispers in bathroom stalls and with comments at meetings declaring how fucked up i feel that day... how i felt like ripping some clerk's face off for not giving me proper change or how when someone at work said that there was too much work to do in one day, i wanted to respond, "well, at least it keeps you from killing yourself, hey?" (a thought and comment that spoke much more about -my- state of being rather than the woman to whom i really wanted to address, but whom i knew wouldn't find it morbidly funny in the slightest.)
these are the prayers i've been uttering lately. ones out loud, not specific, not really to my god of my own understanding, this higher power i've managed to come in contact with, but not understand -- but rather just ones toward him/her/it. it's like i've just been avoiding him (god, i hate that default pronoun, but i feel so helpless and lazy to come up with something else.) out of apathy or laziness or probably...what apathy and laziness and procrastination really are symptoms of: fear.
fear of feeling something. sadness. that contemplation of a new year. the contemplation of really changing. the fear of what is in store for me this year. all the good things. all the unknowns. the growing older, the growing mature, the growing up. i'm scared. and i don't know how to say it. even to my loving, all-encompassing god. the one i made up, right to specifications for this 'program.' i'm scared. and i hate that. i hate when i finally get a little quiet and i find out that's what's going on.
new job. new stuff. new roles. new opportunity. good stuff! lots of it really is. and i'm scared. and then i run away from god. and i don't get it. sigh. and i'm not smoking, either. and it's funny how much that was enough to numb out for a little while, those precious seconds of smoke.... just enough to x out something i didn't even know i was running from.
they say AA is a simple program for complicated people. 'nuff said.
